To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

knowledge is conventionally viewed as belief plus a bunch of credentials

When you stop doing what insults your Soul, your Journey accelerates and your Life beings to fill with joy.

I mean. You put puppies in a store front, I will stop and giddily stare. Every. Single. Time.

A basic element of the American dream is equal access to education as the lubricant of social and economic mobility.

The person who reads can bail, but the person who doesn't fails.

If people really see that Christ has removed the fear of punishment from them by taking it into Himself, they won't do whatever they want, they'll do whatever He wants.

I don't want to be nasty but let's just say Robbie Williams is no Freddie Mercury.

Whether hunting is right or wrong, a spiritual experience, or an outlet for the killer instinct, one thing it is not is a sport.

It's not government's business what people do in their private bedrooms.

I used to be a great blues singer.