To me, the acceptable level of fecal matter is... zero.

You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.

The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.

Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.

Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.

Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.

The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.

Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.

Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower.

Our goal is to reflect the Kingdom of God

Obviously, there are conservatives who are in the mainstream and conservatives who would take people's rights away.

A man of the utmost insignificance.

America has no permanent friends or enemies, only interests.

Budget affects everything.

Eternal vigilance is the price of sexual confidence.

If some people think, "Why am I eating a dead bird soaked in poop?" I think if some people get disgusted by that, it's all to the good. Their coronary arteries will be healthier.

To elope is cowardly; it is running away from danger; and danger has become so rare in modern life.

To my ninth decade I have totter'd on, And no soft arm bends now my steps to steady; She, who once led me where she would, is gone, So when he calls me, Death shall find me ready.

Vengeance is in my heart, death in my hand,Blood and revenge are hammering in my head.