To me, the stand up part in my life is great. I know I can do that. When I get an acting chance, I'm really thrilled.

Italians are fantastic people, really. They can work you over in an alley while singing an opera.

No matter where you go in this world, you will always find a Jew sitting in the beach chair next to you.

I think if I took therapy, the doctor would quit. He'd just pick up the couch and walk out of the room.

When you enter a room, you have to kiss his ring. I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket.

When you stand alone and sell yourself, you can't please everyone. But when you're different, you can last.

Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?

I always rib people, but nobody ever gives me a hard time. I don't know why. Maybe they're afraid of what I might say. There's probably a lesson in that somewhere, but I don't know what it is.

Yeah, I make fun of blacks, and why not? I'm not a black.

I used to play golf. I wanted to be a better player, but after a while I realized I'd always stink. And that's when I really started to enjoy the game.

Some people say funny things - but I say things funny.

When there's music in your soul, there's soul in your music.

We can live without our friends but not without our neighbors.

I think that sense of humor is important in marriage. A sense of humor gets people through marriage.

My voice right now, hey, listen. I don't know how long it's going to last.

Men seem neither to understand their riches nor their strength. Of the former they believe greater things than they should; of the latter, less.

I'm really big on hormones.

People who are rude to waiters... I don't like that sort of thing. People who take cuts in line... it doesn't fly!

Everybody is under pressure to shut up and sing.

Unholy soldier, disciple of sin, what kind of mind are you living in?

I'm a really, really, smart, multi-talented almost-genius, who's very annoying.