To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Sacred service is sacrifice.

We are, none of us, pillars of strength. We use our moments of strength to carry us through our moments of weakness.

For a long time, I was trapped in this struggle with my emotions about the single person in the world who was my family.

The lives of the saints are the hermeneutical key to Scripture.

When religion and politics ride in the same cart, the whirlwind follows.

It is necessary to go through all the daily tasks and bring perfection to them.

Be of good cheer, Jesus Christ maketh thee whole.

Best team player? As good as Lebron James is, I have to go with Messi. What he's doing, he's on pace to becoming the best ever.

If I should go out of church whenever I hear a false sentiment, I could never stay there five minutes.

Everyone is free to write and say whatever he likes, without any restrictions.