To say, "Well, I write when I really get into it" is a bunch of bull. Put the paper in the typewriter, stare at it a long time, get snowblindness if you have to, but write something.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

If your actions don't live up to your words, you have nothing to say.

Simplest explanation usually the right one

Never ignore the elephant in the room. That’s rude

People talk about love as if it were something you could give, like an armful of flowers.

I still call Texas home. It is where I spent most of my life growing up.

Im not the type of artist thats like, Lets go out and party and dance your life away! I think those artists are so cool, but I wanted meaning in my songs and they have messages.

Fibers in a variety of colors protrude out of my skin like mushrooms after a rainstorm. They cannot be forensically identified as animal, vegetable or mineral.

These meetings all have excited great attention, and have been of an exceedingly interesting character.

It is difficult to esteem a man as highly as he would wish.

It ain't like football. You can't make up no trick plays.