To the attention of the New Fiddleham Police Department: You've got my middle-C, and I would like it back....Please return Jackaby's tuning fork. He's getting even more obnoxious than usual.

Monsters are easy, Miss Rook. They're monsters. But a monster in a suit? That's basically just a wicked man, and a wicked man is a more dangerous thing by far.

We are not the policy department, except for those of us who are, " Jackaby revised.

I whispered across the bars to Jackaby as I rose, "Shall I tell them the truth?""Have you killed anyone?" he asked, quietly."No, of course not!""Then I can't imagine why you shouldn't.

I had heard of offices feeling like prisons, but in this case our prison felt, rather anticlimactically, like an office.

The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start.

Success is not in what you have, but who you are.

Have you become a song in someone's heart?

If there's intelligence behind an opinion, then I'm all for expressing it, but I would never just start a fight with someone for the sake of it - that's just not me.

Paris Hilton has launched a new champagne in a can called Rich Prosecco. For the ad campaign Paris posed wearing nothing but gold paint. That’s a unique way to cover up herpes.

When I met my husband, I refused to invite him home for Passover because I was embarrassed my mother might serve all the catered dishes in the wrong order.

Board meetings should not be for the benefit of the board. They should be for the benefit of the CEO and the senior team.

True wit never made us laugh.

The day I'm able to be debt-free is the day I'm going to be the happiest guy around.

There's no place like home. And there's no toilet like your own.