To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Keep your calmness at all times.

An angry player can't argue with the back of an umpire who is walking away.

We decentralise permissions over the use of our communications.

It's hard to find actors that don't feel contemporary when you put them in a period piece.

Everyone in the entertainment business gets crappy contracts when we start out, and into the middle of our careers. It's the nature of the business.

Woman's influence is powerful, especially when she wants something.

Play more than one game at a time. This is a painless way to learn how to do many things at once.

Is winning the Open worth a million pounds? Well, it's worthwhile winning it - I would recommend it to anybody!

I'm still working on my career, still trying to learn from other artistes and develop my skills and my style.

Place is security, space is freedom.