Today President Obama gave a major speech where he defended his handling of the economy. And there were tons of people in the audience, you know, since nobody had to be at work.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

Power is brilliant Beauty is madnessObsession is addictionPerfection is suicidal, I was born beyond the limits of an ordinary being. So honey make use of it I exist therefore to celebrate or to die.

I was beginning to see that Phineas could get away with anything. I couldn't help envying him that a little, which was perfectly normal. There was no harm in envying even your best friend a little

Since love grows within you, so beauty grows. For love is the beauty of the soul.

I think sometimes if you are alone, you are freer because your time is your own.

A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.

Why do I have to keep proving to people that I am not a liar?!

Nothing fills me with deeper sadness than to see a Southerner apologizing for the defense we made of our inheritance.

If we would see others as they see themselves, our shyness would soon become compassion.

The Duce will have Ethiopia, with or without the Ethiopians.

That's how our system works. It's a giant con game. One thing gets old, then you have to buy the next thing that gets old, then the next thing. Our whole society's a training ground for addicts.