Today President Obama is in the Middle East. He met the new king of Saudi Arabia. Obama also met Saudi Arabia's first lady, the second lady, third lady, and fourth lady.

Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'

If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.

A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy but they prefer to watch you die.

I have an abacus at home.

A new presidential poll reveals that Democrats have the edge among voters under 30. The good news for Republicans is that there's only six people under 30 who actually vote.

Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.

Santa will be showing up with Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer.

After making insulting remarks about Mexicans, Donald Trump has been kicked off of NBC and Univision. On the bright side, Trump's hair has a new show on Animal Planet.

Overseas, language barriers keep me from doing a lot of talking and some of the jokes that I think are funny and they're like crickets. I have to sharpen up on that.

Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. He'll come in handy if you run out of food.

I don't regret the passing of time. I try to live in the present, which should mean my life's full.

Brainless writers gossip nonsense to others heads as dense as they is.

Where there is no strife there is decay: 'The mixture which is not shaken decomposes.'

It strikes me as odd that the free exercise of religious faith is sometimes treated as a problem, something America is stuck with instead of blessed with.

When I try to sound like the contemporary sound, it never turns out that way.

Englishmen do like to get in a dress, any excuse.

Whether you like it or not, the last few years I'd be the first one to tell you I haven't been the Pedro Martinez that I'm used to being.

Democrats don't have reasons for people to vote for them. They're just trying to gin up anger and resentment for their opposition. And it's just not working anymore.