Today, folks, should be all about love. Unless you're old.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

I think it is all a matter of love the more you love a memory the stronger and stranger it becomes

I would rather earn 1% off a 100 people's efforts than 100% of my own efforts.

All wickedness comes from weakness. The child is wicked only because he is weak. Make him strong

He that would live in peace and at ease must not speak all he knows or all he sees.

I'm a female in comedy, so of course I want there to be more women on 'SNL', and women of color.

My main trick is to work with amazing people. It's a long and twisty journey and you need people that really are amazing and have this rare gift of honesty and courage and really open up.

Europe must dissipate any doubts over the euro, affirm that the euro is an irreversible project and act in consequence.

When you do not treat yourself the way you want others to treat you, you can never change the way things are.

It's easy to say ''no!'' when there's a deeper ''yes!'' burning inside.

As an adolescent, I went to charm school, where I learned to pour tea and relate to boys, which, as I recall, meant giving them the pickle jar to unscrew, whether it was too hard for me or not.