Today is 11/11/11, a date so simple even Rick Perry can remember it.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

I have learned that to be with those I like is enough

There are consequence every action, whether evil or good.

Sunshine warms us, as do smiles—which makes me think that smiles are sunbeams reflected off our teeth.

Don't say it...I've seen too many loves sundered by too much needless honesty.

We thought, you know, this will just be kind of low-key. And no one will ever know we're here, and we're tucked back in.

If you let too many cooks in the kitchen it could cloud your vision of what you want to do.

Of what use is freedom of speech to those who fear to offend?

Can’t sleep ‘cause all the dirt make my heart hurt

No cigar-smoker ever committed suicide.