Today was opening day for the new Congress in Washington. And Vice President Joe Biden swore in the new batch of White House fence jumpers.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

I would never say snog. I would say osculate." She looks at me as if to say: why do you exist?

To Whom It May Concern-- Only four words of advice: It can be done.

Stress is the negative whirlwind of emotions that gets imposed on top of our stimulation and engagement.

It's not about eating healthy to lose weight. It's about eating healthy to feel good.

To make laws that man cannot, and will not obey, serves to bring all laws into contempt.

I never killed anyone because it wasn't necessary. I could have killed.

Some folks think I painted Lincoln from life, but I haven't been around that long. Not quite.

Fathers should speak with their children.

I don't want to be the center of attention. My posture has changed. I walk with my head down and shoulders slumped. Suddenly I carry myself as if I'm ashamed of something.

It could be argued that every age gets the comfort savagery writer it deserves.