Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money.

The other day I started to take a course in psycho-ceramics. What is psycho-ceramics? It's the study of crackpots.

There are many things that I find attractive about a woman. Foremost to me, of course, would be a sense of humor-but that doesn't come in a bottle.

A woman driver went through a red light. The cop stopped her and said, Lady, didn't you see that red light? The woman said, You've seen one, you've seen them all.

I love Chicago. I got on a bus and asked the driver, Do you go to the Loop? He said, No, I go beep-beep!

The kick [of comedy] is to think quickly. It's a great kick.

You can cut your hair how you want, but I think you should get to where you wear it normal for the future.

For the Present is the point at which time touches eternity.

It is the toughest time but the best.

Here is the beginning of philosophy: a recognition of the conflicts between men a search for their cause a condemnation of mere opinion .. . and the discovery of a standard of judgement.

I live right under the Hollywood sign, so that every day when I drive home I'm reminded of why I'm here.

Some believe strongly that each Christian may have his own guardian angel assigned to watch over him or her.

We're all kind of weird and twisted and drowning.

I truly believe that when you've found the one you're searching for, you become a better version of yourself. You're better for it.

We have some material on spying by a major government on the tech industry. Industrial espionage.

Everybody in the world knew I was before I knew who I was.

Yeah? Rock 'n' Roll is fast, you know. If all goes according to plan I could be in rehab next thursday. Tuesday week I'll be living on an island with a small Indian boy.