Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would've been nice if he was there for the conception.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Wrap your mind around my thoughts as I wrap my soul around your heart.

...The less I think of it the more certain I am.

People are always going to identify with what it's like living in society and have people judge you in certain ways, and how you can be strong enough to be your own person and all those good things.

The exploration of the planets is now closer to us in time than the exploration of Africa by Stanley and Livingstone.

I will not glory, even in my orthodoxy, for even that can be a snare if I make a god of it... Let us rejoice in Him in all His fullness and in Him alone.

Extraordinary results are directly determined by how narrow you can make your focus.

We cannot all succeed when half of us are held back.

Quit trying to find beautiful objects to photograph. Find the ordinary objects so you can transform it by photographing it.

Let the wealthier countries and corporations of the world fund an Emergency Organization.

Honesty is the most subversive of all disguises.