Tomorrow is more sure than just about anything else in the entire world.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.

Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.

So, to say Barack Obama is progress is saying that he's the first black person that is qualified to be president. That's not black progress. That's white progress.

Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it's about having a lot of options.

The advantage that my children have is that my children are encountering the nicest white people that America has ever produced. Let’s hope America keeps producing nicer white people.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Most people don't realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.

Smart is knowing if you're dumb. Knowing when to shut up and to listen to people that are smarter than you.

You know the world is messed up when the tallest man in the NBA is Chinese, the best golfer is black, and the best rapper is white.

All of my chupacabra books are like novelizations of movies that haven’t been made yet.

Begin at the beginning as you understood it, proceed through the middle, continue to the end, and then stop, " said Master Li, and he sauntered out to get drunk....

We must cultivate our own garden. When man was put in the garden of Eden he was put there so that he should work, which proves that man was not born to rest.

I disagree with the widely held view that it is metaphysical necessity, not nomological, that matters in the mind/body problem.

I go shopping for jeans, and they're playing shitty music in the store, I just leave. I can't be around music that I hate.

I said nothing—I hadn’t known Marya, and anyway, “listening quietly” was my general social strategy

Terrorism and deception are weapons not of the strong, but of the weak.

Anxiety and lust are evicting the older passions.

The penguin doesn't know it's cute, and the leopard seal doesn't know it's kind of big and monstrous. This is just the food chain unfolding.

Everybody is laden with guilt.