Tony the Tiger usually thinks that stuff is great.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Evolution is necessary for ones progress…. resisting it could make one sore in mind and spirit and then unable to enjoy the journey.

Perhaps finding out that we carry New World history in our genes will transcend racial checkboxes altogether and enable Latino-Americans to rethink what America is supposed to look like.

I think we learn the most from imperfect relationships - things like forgiveness and compassion.

I will get my education - if it is in home, school, or anyplace.

I have never known what to tell anybody. Except that it is better to do something than nothing, even if the cost is great.

I've always been a person that, if I'm with a woman, she's in the picture.

I've always just been attracted to comedy.

If you conduct yourself with peace love and compassion, then you are God.

America has receded from the world. Today our friends and allies don't trust us. And our enemies don't fear us. I think we should get back, number one, to American leadership in the world.

You've got my heart in unfamiliar territory. It's never been out here on my sleeve. But here tonight with you it's quite a different story. You bring out a side of me no one has ever seen.