Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Ravaged all, Bogo tabalTimore toronTotoo now gone...

It's okay to dream, but remember to plan when you wake up.

Consider this point. It is a main point of true wisdom. Whenever there is an execution of purpose, there must be an agent.

It's always useful to know where a friend-and-relation is, whether you want him or whether you don't.

Peace is the one condition of survival in this nuclear age.

It used to be only yoga, but now I do Pilates as well; I feel like I need the balance.

Democracy is mob rule with income taxes.

Many people find the universe confusing - it's not.

Color in a picture is like enthusiasm in life.

My own military background is wholly un-distinguished. I was a sergeant.