Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.

Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

Never look for justice in this world, never cease to give it.

True human goodness, in all its purity and freedom, can come to the fore only when its recipient has no power.

Follow your inner moonlight

I always wanted the fairy tale, but now I want someone who is a great partner.

Desire leaves us heartbroken; it wears us out.

I didn't really like doing commercials.

The older I get the funnier I get...Think what I'll save in not having my face lifted.

Only a more savage nation can survive.

Those having torches will pass them on to others.

Ah, those two. In a fight, they’re lethal. Around each other, they melt.