Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

There is strange comfort in knowing that no matter what happens today, the Sun will rise again tomorrow.

There is both joy and suffering on planet Earth because this beautiful world is a world of duality - a world of opposites. There is an opposite side to everything.

There are glimpses of heaven to us in every act, or thought, or word, that raises us above ourselves.

It's every lawyer's dream to help shape the law, not just react to it.

How many a year has passed and gone and many gamble has been lost and won, and many a road taken by a friend and each one I've never seen again.

If one day I leave Arsenal, I will never sign for another English team. Quite sure.

Something changed between the two men, namely [Donald ] Trump started slinging mud on Twitter about [Ted] Cruz's wife, Heidi, including a mean comparing her looks unfavourably to his own.

There are some things we should feel guilty about, but the guilt feelings should attach to the deed, not to the doer.

Better gray than garishness.

Nothing great happens when you hold back.