Trees are corrupting our parks. They should be arrested for loitering. For deciduous trees, add littering and indecent exposure to that list of offenses.

Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates.

The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes.

The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won't be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners.

Pure joy is rare. That’s why for every meal I eat a really bloody steak.

Mom always said I was born to sit in the electric chair, but I'm proving her wrong. I'm going to die on my knees, begging for my life.

I bet there are a lot of women out there who want to sleep with a guy who reads. And being the head of the reading foundation, I’m very well endowed.

I love working with my hands. My writing is rough, my paper bruised with ink stains.

Night clubs are where Americans learn the laws of motion.

Education: learning to find your purpose. Upon finding your purpose: what did I learn?

If all women revealed their age, men would have nothing to hide from each other.

The day we stop learning is the day we die.

Technology is the knack of so arranging the world that we don't have to experience it.

The end comes when the infinites arrive.

Your first realization when you become an important person is that all day and all night, whatever the circumstances, people want to hear you talk about yourself.

The wise are known by their actions; fame and immortality are ever their attendants.

I don't really watch TV series because I don't want to get hooked on them and have them suck up all my time.

We're all pretty ordinary on paper.

The sign of a great player is how much he elevates his colleagues' performance.

History is an argument without end.

Companies, to date, have often used the excuse that they are only beholden to their shareholders, but we need shareholders to think of themselves as stakeholders in the well being of society as well.