Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.

just show a little humility. If you know your weaknesses you will not be enslaved by them.

Certain signs precede certain events.

Tolerance ain't the same as acceptance, even though we all wish it was.

The world is beautiful, but has a disease called man.

Is this college football's version of Arena Football? These guys need to grow some hair on their peaches.

But I am I. And I won't subordinate my taste to the unanimous judgment of mankind

When it came time to find employment, I set my sights on becoming an engineer at a home electronics manufacturer, a field that was closely related to my major at university.

Truth is in history, but history is not the truth.

I didnt want to be encumbered by what anyone elses abilities were, their equipment or environment or their ability to get certain products.

The new-school hip-hop generation exists with a mandate to 'keep it real'; this has to do with embracing a hard-nosed truth about the world and letting the chips fall where they may.