Trump claims he'd be the "best jobs president that God ever created." But isn't his claim to fame firing people?

What do you call a comedian who runs for president? A trump card.

Trump appeals to right-wingnuts because when the going gets tough, they wig out.

Did evangelical Christians mistake Donald Trump's hairpiece for a halo, while ignoring the obvious signs that he worships Mammon?

Donald Trump has taken the Peter Principle to unprecedented heights. Or is it depths?

If brevity is the soul of wit then brevity and levity are the whole of it.

It's not that every leaf must finally fall, it's just that we can never catch them all.

Trump appeals to the disaffected by loudly trumpet-ing what they want to hear: other people are always the problem, and the solution is to either put them in their proper place or get rid of them.

Many presidents have believed in God, but Donald Trump evidently believes that he is God.

Teddy Roosevelt spoke softly and carried a big stick; Donald Trump speaks loudly and carries a big shtick.

It's simply not true that Donald Trump has no experience in foreign affairs. Hell, two of his foreign affairs resulted in marriages!

My ideas are a shapeless mass that my writing molds into beauty.

I have graven it within the hills, and my vengeance upon the dust within the rock.

Kidnapping you was the worst idea I ever had." - Luc Wade

Our only hope lies in our ability to recapture the revolutionary spirit and go into a sometimes hostile world declaring eternal hostility to poverty, racism, and militarism

Actually, they fought to fill the emptiness of their lives as they filled their empty glasses. They fought—not because the liquor was in them, but because it did not fill them enough.

There is a kind of perverse unity forming among us, born, I think, of the discontent of all classes of people with the endless frustration of life.

My way of making people like me was to make 'em laugh.

When anyone says to me, 'Can you keep a secret?' I say, 'Why should I, if you can't?'

Nick O'Leary is a tough kid. He doesn't use gloves. It's freezing outside and he's obviously wearing short sleeves like all the other guys that let their "guns" stick out.

I'm not a trained dancer, but I grew up in a culture that revolves around dance.