Trump is running for president and he's wasting no time getting down to business. In fact, just after his announcement he demanded to see Jeb Bush's birth certificate.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

This means that I don't have to run faster than the psychotic-maniac-vampire-cannibal, I just have to run faster than whoever is with me when the psychotic-maniac-vampire-cannibal starts chasing us.

Love is purely holy.

The deepest and darkest dungeons that we are ever flung into are the dungeons of the mind

The art of making much show with little substance.

There must be some nerve and heroism in our love, as of a winter morning.

Where did this commandment come from in relation to polygamy? It also came from God... When I see any of our people, men or women, opposing a principle of this kind... I consider them apostates.

It is entirely possible that Limbaugh himself never needed contraception in college, but virtue in the absence of opportunity is hardly a moral triumph.

It's not your life that sucks...it's your thinking that sucks!

The Christian life from start to finish is based upon this principle of utter dependence upon the Lord Jesus.