Trust me, there's not one night a week I'm not in a theater somewhere. I adore theater, and I go out with friends, so I do have some nights off.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

A composer is a guy who goes around forcing his will on unsuspecting air molecules, often with the assistance of unsuspecting musicians.

I was lucky to have read a lot of poetry when I was younger; it helped me to remember a way to write.

But there can be no secrets in a house where there are children.

All philosophers should end their days at Pythia's feet. There is only one philosophy, that of unique moments.

Democracy never comes by the barrel of a gun, or by cluster bombs.

As a working mom, I struggle to find time to work out and go for runs. I usually run two to three times a week and work out with a trainer once a week. I try to go for a longer run on Sundays.

All my life's about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn't cost very much money.

I admit it: I had fun watching right-wingers go wild as health reform finally became law.

We assume that celebrities have it easy and so love to watch them having to endure a bit of hardship.

Either by silencing the mind or by opening the heart, today's man can become tomorrow's God, tomorrow's Divinity. And embodied Divinity soon becomes revealed Immortality.