Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Anything is possible. Anything can be.

The only thing that ever came close to tugging my heart strings is music. I know this because that is the only time I've felt them move.

We look directly into our suffering rather than try to become happy. The happiness that arises from this approach is reliable.

Few minds wear out; more rust out.

We are territorial, power-hungry and even more brutal than chimpanzees.

Marc Cherry is so good at writing himself into a corner, then writing himself out of that corner. Its really fun to watch that.

Young people ask me if this country is serious about science. They aren't thinking about the passport that they will hold, but the country that they must rely on for support and encouragement.

Many women do not recognize themselves as discriminated against; no better proof could be found of the totality of their conditioning.

I'm going to show you all how easy it is to manipulate the human mind once you know how.

I have to learn how to say no a lot. Life is too short for anything else.