Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman.

Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough.

Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then.

Being Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm was the best thing to happen to Larry David in life.

Give a guy a girlfriend and a great job, he doesn’t need therapy.

I’d rather have the thieves than the neighbors - the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time.

Women love a self-confident bald man.

Sometimes you have to wander a bit, and do what you don't want to in order to figure out what it is you're supposed to do.

Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.

I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab.

A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone

Hell is the impossibility of reason.

You don't know what the pattern of flour and chicken is going to be, but you know you're going to get some good fried chicken.

Irresponsibility breeds irresponsibility. The finances of government are so central. You'd think that would be pretty obvious.

I started my own foundation. If you aren't familiar with it, it's called 'Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money to: a man that smells 4like liquiid garbage, or ocean breeze?

No matter what you do for a living all we have is music to get through certain situations.

Common law is common right.

No," I said. And maybe it was only because Alaska couldn't hit the brakes and I couldn't hit the accelerator.

New Yorkers are nice about giving you street directions; in fact, they seem quite proud of knowing where they are themselves.

If you want God to bless your relationship, honor God through your relationship.

Unconsciously, I think I watch for a look, an expression, features or nostalgia that can summarize or more accurately reveal life.