Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once!

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

We can good deed by God’s grace.

Be true to yourself-at the core of your leadership are your values and morals.

When I dont have a good time making music, I think of quitting a lot. I really do. I can create something else. Ill do something else.

The Chinese view us as an enemy, very, very militant toward the United States, and I don't even think the United States knows it.

I can be humbler than anyone.

I don't have any plugs or tucks but people do what they want. I look at it as mutilation.

To forgive is merely to remember only the loving thoughts you gave in the past, and those that were given you. All the rest must be forgotten.

Since I was 15 I've felt kinda like... an old man.

Suffering brings me so close to God.

My family is from Russia and Poland. We never had that thing with the German Jews.