Twitter allowed me to talk about parenting in short snippets and find out what I really wanted to say about it, which is that I'm a dad who had no idea what he's doing.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

I laugh, because he knew what I was thinking, and very few people ever know what I'm thinking.

When you have a strongly held belief, don't you think it's important to express that belief accurately?

At the end of the day, we're all striving to be touched, somehow.

The purpose of etiquette is to provide an easy set of rules which we can follow when we are in a hurry and want to make sure that we do not give offense to anybody.

I don't want your future, I don't need your past. One bright moment Is all I ask.

If I set out to sculpt a standing man and it becomes a lying woman, I know I am making art.

Country music is about new love and it's about old love.

A career in photography is a journey without a destination.

A sponge sees everything? A sponge sees nothing.

Your words bring me joy. Let the two of us unite to bring forth a world of peace and virtue.