Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they're being followed.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

A formal education will teach you how to conform with society. Self-education will teach you how to get out of conformity so that you can fill your life with adventure and beauty.

... science must sometimes be treated as a possible enemy.

Oh, well, ” yawned Vernon, “we all know that it’s you Christians who go in for whips and tortures and burnings alive. Poor degraded sensualists like myself believe in the motto ’Live and let live.

I don't have to be the smartest person in the room, I just have to be in the room.

Isn't it funny how we all will end up? Best friends today, communicating via internet tomorrow. Crush today, dancing at their weddings tomorrow.

Talk to the tree, make friends with it.

The best part of being on the platform that we are is being able to influence and affect so many people.

I feel I am a players' coach. The only thing that means is I care about my players more than anything.

When the people decide they want peace more than security, they will find both.

Here is a rural fellow that will not be denied your Highness' presence: he brings you figs.