Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I'll be your blanket, baby. Wrap yourself up in me. Let me give you shelter, in the winter of this world.

I don't care how small or big they are, insects freak me out.

I've seen some very beautiful drag queens.

I got here the same way the coin did.

Our country has tremendous problems. We're a debtor nation.

I had no interest in being your basic vanilla girl. I've been lucky enough that I haven't had to play that.

I believe the human mind is a very fallible thing, but it's the only thing that I can really know, I guess.

Boy, take my advice, and never try to invent any thing but--happiness.

I always said that the world is a better place because of Joey Ramone

Instead, to be financially free, we need to learn how to make mistakes and manage risk.