Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

If the Lord is for you, which He unquestionably is, who else other than yourself would dare to stop you from proclaiming your true destiny?

I admired her choices though I wouldn't have made them.

Perhaps my information hurt the Soviet Union more than it helped. I have no idea. It was not something I ever discussed with the KGB officers that I was dealing with.

We have lost the art of living, and in the most important science of all, the science of daily life, the science of behavior, we are complete ignoramuses. We have psychology instead.

Preserving a river or a creek can bring a lot of revenue.

If you have trouble imagining a 20% loss in the stock market, you shouldn't be in stocks.

I don't wear lipstick when I'm not at work.

We're either going to save the world or no one will be saved.

For many people a job is more than an income - it's an important part of who we are.

Death where is thy sting? Love, where is thy glory?