Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

An ounce of faith can overcome a ton of fear.

Musical comedies aren't written they are re-written.

I have a lot of passion. I have a lot of pride. I think I do get that from my family. But you can be driven and be nice.

I have always been an independent voice for the folks in my district.

Was the fun in the fall?

If you get up in the morning and think the future is going to be better, it is a bright day. Otherwise, it’s not.

But I have no desire for fame and power anymore. I crawled out of the swamp and I'm not crawling back in.

You have to have the service mentality in the sense that you subjugate your own ego, and you subjugate a large part of your own life to really helping other people, being successful on their behalf.

It's never the differences between people that suprise us. It's the things that, against all odds, we have in common.

The greater the man, the less is he opinionative, he depends upon events and circumstances.