Two creative spirits in a relationship, I don't think that's the best way to go.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

The true meaning of life is to plant trees under whose shade you do not expect to sit.

To a true believer, death is but going to church: from the church below to the church above.

The healthy man does not torture others.

A woman needs independence, not equality. In most cases, equality is a step down.

I would be happy at a piano bar, singing. I just want to home in on being the best singer I can be.

The sun sets in the west (just about everyone knows that), but Sunset Towers faced east. Strange!

We're like licorice. Not everybody likes licorice, but the people who like licorice really like licorice.

In winter, you fed the birds; and in summer, do the same thing! In winter, you gave them bread; and in summer, give them water!

The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from them, who needs it?.

Some people are not capable of giving you what you're trying to get from them.