Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A job shouldn’t be a mean of existence but rather, a means of sustenance

The memory of his voice made her feel warm and happy, though she could not explain why

I was going to kiss him, and I was going to regret it. But at that moment, I couldn't bring myself to care.

Growing up in the '60s and early '70s, with the space flight and the Apollo program, I always loved planes. I always loved rockets and I always loved space travel.

Things certainly aren't the way you imagine them when you're a kid and dreaming big dreams about what your life as a grown-up will look like.

A different drumbeat or some vocal overdub could completely transform the song.

All future wars, all future accidents will be live wars and live accidents.

Do not be afraid to go forth and announce the Risen Christ.

The Republicans or conservatives always, when it comes to judging, when it comes to legalities, always try to do the right thing even if it harms their interests.

Sure, science involves trial and error. Scientists refine theories each day. But as they do, they help us grasp more clearly the wonders of the world and the universe.