Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A true poet is one who can appreciate the disciplines and structures of any and all styles of poetry.

She put her hand in his, and he clasped it firmly, knowing he had been waiting for her all his life.

No business can be made easier to do than excuses are to make.

...it took me a lifetime of glimpses, but now I see you completely - did I tell you you're beautiful? so kind to animals, children and me...

Pizza is no longer on my diet.

The truth is in nature, and I shall prove it.

He who would trade liberty for some temporary security, deserves neither liberty nor security.

To be overcome with the ultimate goal often interferes with performance.

Poverty is no disgrace. But it is certainly not a recommendation.

He who civilly shows the way to one who has missed it, is as one who has lighted another's lamp from his own lamp; it none the less gives light to himself when it burns for the other.