Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.

There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.

It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.

When I cannot see words curling like rings of smoke round me I am in darkness—I am nothing.

Your death, strange human. I mean, your injury. No murder, just a little maiming. So I can leave. Maiming’s not so bad.

As far as now, as far as I think everyone deserv a chance. No matter who is he and who was he.

Don't just DO something. Stand there! (and get perspective and understanding)

Always keep that happy attitude. Pretend that you are holding a beautiful fragrant bouquet.

We can all humbly say in the sincerity of faith, "I am loved; I am called; I am secure."

Being elected to Congress is regarded as being sent on a looting raid for one's friends.

I wonder, by my troth, what thou and I Did, till we lov'd?

Hope is not a granted wish or a favor performed; no it is far greater than that. It is a zany, unpredictable dependence on a God who loves to surprise us out of our socks.

You went to Woodstock and all that trash, your generation is fading fast.