Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.

If it has to sell its mascot, your team sucks.

Fantasy football is not only a good thing, but a great thing.

If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks.

What bothers me most about today is that we're getting used 2 it. ENOUGH. 2nd amendment must go. Violence has 2 stop. Culture MUST change.

You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day.

When human beings stop progressing at an endeavor, they stop enjoying it and move on to something else. Not golfers. Masochists, all of them.

I think golf is a waste of time and a waste of a sunny afternoon. I also stink at it. I have never found anything, including divorce and a sexual harassment suit, more frustrating.

If a waiter or waitress tells me when gratuity is included they automatically get more gratuity. When they hide it I go with the leg kick.

I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses, don't show up because you'll die.

Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players?

Write the book you want to read

Grand. There's a word I really hate. It's a phony. I could puke every time I hear it.

My heart is filled with deep gratitude to the Almighty Lord.

It's shocking when someone who is really bad thinks they're really good. It's heartbreaking, because singing is such a vulnerable thing to do.

You have to admit he's good looking," Bree pressed, leaning against my kitchen counter. "Of course I admit it. I'm not blind," I said, busily opening cans.

I'm still human - I can't not feel.

If you write songs you have an idea how they're going to sound.

As I handed her the bag, the old scars on my wrist throbbed with buried memories.

People talk about escapism as though it's something nasty but escapism is wonderful!

When you're just shagging girls, you can talk about it, but once it gets real, then you don't.