Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable.

Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you have never met

You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the north."

If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.

Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?

One UK paper described me as a "miserablist", a word I'd never heard before or since. I looked it up and it means someone who can only be happy when they are miserable. Perfect.

I think a lot of women look at prostitutes like they're scabs crossing an union picket line, where they go: You can't just go out and sell it for what it's worth, we're holding out for so much more!

What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led.

No one can do everything, but everyone can do something

Part of the art of survival as a coward is not letting things get to the point where that cowardice is exposed.

I didn't know how to smile for the paparazzi.

But all my people, the Palestinians and the Arabs, wish me long life and freedom.

To the size of the state there is a limit, as there is to plants, animals and implements, for none of these retain their facility when they are too large.

TV critics, who traditionally hate television and make their living writing about it, often didn't like what I did on the air.

A library is a room where the murders take place.

I act because I can't seem to live with myself if I do not. I don't know any other way to be. It isn't something you can explain; it is just something that you do; it is something that you are.

I grew up in Tennessee. We didn't know what Louis Vuitton was. I had to order all my prom outfits out of catalogs.

You are the Self, that perfect immutable Self. Nothing else exists. Nothing else ever existed. Nothing else will ever exist. There is only one Self and you are That. Rejoice!