United Airlines: Passengers are our worst enemy. We're not too fond of luggage either.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

People lose a lot of time being afraid... People lose a lot of time in hating others, and there's no fun in it at all.

Look for a GOOD NEWS story to tell. This is much better than gossip in increasing morale.

No man need fear death, he need fear only that he may die without having known his greatest power: the power of his free will to give his life for others

When the public loses faith in democracy's ability to solve the problems it has created for itself, the game's almost over. And I think we are this close to losing democracy to the mercenary class.

No matter how much you rehearse on that stage, once you add 30,000 screaming people with flashing cameras into the equation, it's pretty intense.

Maybe if I didn't have the talent in chess I'd find the talent in something else. The only thing I know is that I have talent in chess, and I'm satisfied with that.

How happy I would be if I could give figurative expression to the unconscious feeling that often murmurs so softly and sweetly within me.

The newspapers are the cemeteries of ideas.

A photograph has picked up a fact of life, and that fact will live forever.

Foreign aid is not something the vast majority of Americans support, but definitely not conservatives.