Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

You two are children almost grown. Your hearts have not hardened to the realities of the world. Your dreams have not fallen through your fingers. You still know hope.

Your total intelligence knows exactly what to do, because you were made to weather the storms of life.

I have so much hate that it has turned into love.

In the same way that a woman becomes a prostitute. First I did it to please myself, then I did it to please my friends, and finally I did it for money.

I live like a monk: with one toothbrush, one cake of soap, and a pot of cream.

I put a bullet into the back of the crocodiles neck just behind the head, thus killing it. If a crocodile is hit in any other part of its anatomy it disappears into the water and is irrecoverable.

I have always loved things that are timeless and get better with age.

Evolution is just a theory? Well, so is gravity and I don't see you jumping out of buildings.

Before I knew what was happening, I had a fistful of spears around my neck like a collar. I could have shaved myself with one sneeze.

Whether or not our prayer is heard depends not on the number of our words, but on the fervor of our souls.