Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark.

Know this: whenever you think of leaving, a part of you has already left. But it’s never too late to get it back.

Marriage brings one into fatal connection with custom and tradition, and traditions and customs are like the wind and weather, altogether incalculable.

Its important not to focus so much on the statistics, but [on people's] perceptions.

A talkative person runs himself upon great inconvenience by blabbing out his own and others' secrets.

The amazing thing since so many variables enter into historical judgments, is not that historians disagree but that they agree as often as they do.

Drink promises you everything, but gives nothing.

Washington still refuses to provide evidence to support the claims in 1990 that a huge Iraqi military build-up on the Saudi border justified war.

This is alchemy, and this is the office of Vulcan; he is the apothecary and chemist of the medicine.

Which of us that is thirty years old has not had its Pompeii? Deep under ashes lies the life of youth--the careless sport, the pleasure and the passion, the darling joy.