Usually when Donald Trump wants to keep someone out of military service, he just fakes a doctor's note saying he has a foot injury. It worked fine for him during Vietnam.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

...all that is carried alongby the stream's silvery cascade, rhythmically falling from the mountain, carried by its own current--carried where?

The revolutionary government was required to become the government of the war.

A good musical comedy consists largely of disorderly conduct occassionally interrupted by talk.

There are in fact two things, science and opinion. The former begets knowledge, the latter ignorance.

I've got a theory that if you give 100% all of the time, somehow things will work out in the end.

Wealth acts merely as a kind of mirror to show you human nature at its worst.

those two wholesome defects of the French people, malice and curiosity, both of which are essential to its greatness.

Our morbidly obese federal government needs not just behavior modification but bariatric surgery.

We cling to our fairy tales until the price for believing in them becomes too high.

History is prone to mistakes in identity, and facts are not always solid things.