Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single & lonely then it's called Laundry Day.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Humility is more powerful than egoistic pride. Water is more powerful than the strongest cliff and Love is more powerful than might.

Telling the truth to yourself is Integrity

From time to time I show up in myself just long enough for people to know they are not in the room alone.

The implementation of don't ask, don't tell's repeal has gone very, very well.

Greater is He that is in you than anything that surrounds you.

Rationality is the master lifehack which distinguishes which other lifehacks to use.

Wherever arms flow, violence follows. Bullets replace ballots as the solution to political disputes.

I was born and raised in Ohio. During my childhood, I spent most of my time drawing and reading fairy tales and myths.

I've become invested with this symbolic power. It really does transcend what I'm actually doing and what I actually deserve.

The Masters is where I won my first major, and I view this tournament with great respect. After a long and necessary time away from the game, I feel like I'm ready to start my season at Augusta.