Vampire fad just won't die. Makes sense, I guess.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Boredom is a vital problem for the moralist since at least half of the sins of mankind are caused by the fear of it.

We read the future by the past.

A man is never more serious than when he praise himself.

I am a fight fan. I think boxing had its problems and kind of fell away for a while, but it's coming back strong .

The world is the mirror of myself dying.

I've just got crap hair. Although I inherited a lot of stuff from my dad, including giant knees, I didn't get his good, thick hair. I got my mother's thin, wispy, non-event hair instead.

The absence of temptation is the absence of virtue.

Life may more than once call upon you to prove Who You Are by demonstrating an aspect of Who You Are Not.

May not be your peace in the mouth of the men; since no matter if they thing good or bad about you, you should not be a different man because of that.

I was a kid, and I wasn't even sure if I wanted to play the drums, you know? All I wanted to do was skateboard, but I was still learning and taking it in, so it was good.