Veal is a very young beef and, like a very young girlfriend, it's cute but boring and expensive.

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.

Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.

Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin.

A firm, hearty handshake gives a good first impression, and you'll never be forgiven if you don't live up to it.

At the core of liberalism is the spoiled child — miserable, as all spoiled children are, unsatisfied, demanding, ill-disciplined, despotic and useless. Liberalism is a philosophy of sniveling brats.

There's a whiff of the lynch mob or the lemming migration about any overlarge concentration of like-thinking individuals, no matter how virtuous their cause.

Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.

Watching Republicans in Washington is like watching lemmings, if lemmings jumped into cesspools instead of off cliffs. Splash! There goes Mark Foley!

Authority has always attracted the lowest elements in the human race

Wagamama. Text messaging aficionados might like to note that this is one of the most satisfying words you can possibly type.

Satan fell by the force of gravity.

...people who don't live at least a little bit in fear, have nothing left to live for.

Bill Clinton is the greatest president of the 20th century because I played touch football with him.

I do sometimes look back at things I've written in the past, and think, 'I just don't remember being the person who wrote that.'

My background was in performing originally.

Scratch a lover, and find a foe.

Even the voters behind Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, for the most part, do not support them, but actually are mostly afraid of the other candidate.

I’m a skeptic not because I do not want to believe, but because I want to know. How can we tell the difference between what we would like to be true and what is actually true? The answer is science.

Our vulgar perception is not concerned with other than vulgar phenomena.