Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

The first thing you're going to want to know about me is: Am I a boy, or am I a girl?

Death is the prerequisite to resurrection, the new life God intends.

In the mind, in the heart, I was always home. I always imagined, really, going back home.

The average smartphone user checks his or her device every six and a half minutes.

Nothing is more dangerous than a poor doctor: not even a poor employer or a poor landlord.

I hate how when I have a bunch of events going on and I have to get my hair done so much, [then] I have to wash it more often. It's definitely better not to.

Possibilities and miracles mean the same thing

Don't you think that as a people, Americans have less poetry, real poetry, in their souls than any other nations?

I don't see life as an opportunity to see how far you can go in the pursuit of pain, although I think I've challenged it a bit.