Victoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That's probably how David knows that there's a World Cup coming up.

For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.

Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people. But they'll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

Most politicians are corrupt as they do not represent the masses that voted for them, but rather they choose to return numerous favors to the corporations that funded their election campaigns.

Nay, father. Some of us have been killing giants today and aren't in the mood to have a tea party.- Thor, God of Thunder

I've found that what most people call luck is often little more than raw talent combined with the ability to make the most of opportunities. (Talon Karrde)

My greatest fear is that the audience will beat me to the punch line.

I think fashion is about longevity and doing your work. It isn't about winning or losing. It's about process, keeping it going.

YouTube is becoming much more than an entertainment destination.

An Irishman will always soften bad news, so that a major coronary is no more than 'a bad turn' and a near hurricane that leaves thousands homeless is 'good drying weather'.

If Franz Kafka were alive today he'd be writing about customer service.

It's wrong what they say about the past, I've learned, about how you can bury it. Because the past claws its way out.

Half of wisdom is learning what to unlearn.