Violence is a tool of the ignorant.

You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine.

The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down.

Being a comedian is like being a con man. You have to make 'em like you before you can fool 'em.

Funny is an attitude.

Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun.

My main point is to be funny; if I can slip a message in there, fine.

When you're hot, you're hot; when you're not, you're not.

Don't order one for the road, because the road is already laid out.

My show is my statement. What I have to say is on the screen. My life is my own. I don't want to talk about my private self. Why should I?

I was number one in the ratings four times last year and twice this season. What could be more damn equal than that? If they get any more equal, I don't want it.

To me, success is when you can walk into Ralph's and buy anything you want. Ultimate success, however, is when Ralph can walk into you and buy anything he wants.

God hopes that we are going to love God back.

I thought I'd go to a bookstore and see what moved me.

To expect truth to come from thinking signifies that we mistake the need to think with the urge to know.

I just love doing sitcoms. I'd be in them till I was gray if they'd have me.

Authority that does not exist for Liberty is not authority but force.

Whatever your mind feeds upon your mind attracts to you.

Perfection is unattainable, so I like to live in imperfection.

Authority is 20% given and 80% taken...so take it!

I love comedy. I love to make people laugh. (But) anything that's telling a good story makes me happy. So, I just like to be part of the storytelling process.