Vodka eyeballing sounds great, but it's a slippery slope. Next, you'll be scotch nostriling, tequila nippling and, before you know it, Jager tainting.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Sometimes command means letting those under you do their job

Too many people today want a brotherly worldin which they can remain unbrotherly

His loyalty, so fierce and unwavering, makes my eyes water and heart ache.

If you're conservative in Hollywood, you're on a list of people who need to be put in their place.

We get so much information during the day that doesn't really tell us anything.

Photography is an art which touches and grips one's own heart's blood.

Marriage is not for me. I tell you that I am Blank Verse. I am talent, and I do not rhyme with Love. I am talent and I do not rhyme with man.

I always feel like I can't do it, that I can't go through with a movie. But then I do go through with it after all.

When I die, I will send down a shower of roses from the heavens,I will spend my heaven by doing good on earth.

She got to go to heaven four days early.