Vodka is tasteless going down, but it is memorable coming up.

Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

It was luxuries like air conditioning that brought down the Roman Empire. With air conditioning their windows were shut, they couldn't hear the barbarians coming.

Even in a time of elephantine vanity and greed, one never has to look far to see the campfires of gentle people.

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

Thank you, God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough.

The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose.

Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.

Sometimes there is nothing you can do, and in those times, you must do something anyway.

Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head. ~Garrison Keillor

When in doubt, ignore and be horribly unimpressed

Liberalism is not fond of fun, or at least of many forms of fun that many people like.

We live not by things, but by the meaning of things. It is needful to transmit the passwords from generation to generation.

There is a lot of underground type of fighting going on and some of it is not safe, it's pretty brutal. But it's absolutely fascinating.

She looked confused. She looked off-balance. That's a technique I employ to get dates, and it always works.

[Adolf Hitler] had a very definite charm which enthralled most people who got to know him.

I'm a very soft-spoken person. I don't throw furniture. I don't throw tantrums.

They paint you red before they sacrifice you. It's a different religion from ours - I think.

The primary goal of a vendor is to make money.

It is the soldier and the army, not parliamentary majorities and decisions, that have welded the German Empire together. I put my trust in the army.